13 Years Married!

I have a full week of blog posts coming down the pipeline, but I had to reserve today to recognize me and Brian's 13th wedding anniversary!

Our marriage is far from perfect -- and I think it's mostly Brian that has a few things to work on :) -- but I feel so grateful we've stuck together. In the past 13 years, our marriage has had ups, downs, joys, sorrows, challenges, growth, and evolution, but most importantly, it has served as the foundation for building our family. 

We support each other as individuals in our separate pursuits, but our home, our dogs, and our kids are our joint effort. I am so grateful that we both prioritize our marriage and recognize that a strong marriage is what enables the other areas of our life to be successful. 

It hasn't always been easy.

I have a huge heart for people in difficult marriages and I want to offer a bit of hope. Brian and I had several tough years (and even now we have tough moments, of course), but I'm talking about some very tough years where I'm actually surprised that I am sitting here writing about our 13th anniversary. 

If you're reading this post and shocked we're still married, just know that I am the most shocked. :)

If you asked me and Brian to recall certain details or events from 2014-2017, you would hear two different stories. Our perspectives are unique to us. I want to clarify that this is just my perspective (because it's my blog, lol). 

(And, in true male fashion, there's actually a high likelihood he will read this and be like "I never thought things were that bad.")

The first couple years of our marriage were fine, I think, but I do remember Googling "can you get an annulment if you've only been married three weeks?" so...there's that. I honestly don't remember anything significant, but it started spiraling downhill quickly in 2014.

My perspective is that Brian had anger issues and constantly took out his anger on me (not physically, but emotionally). As a result, I kept one foot out the door (not physically, but emotionally). 

Looking back, I'm able to take ownership for my role in this downward spiral. It's impossible to have the trust and vulnerability that make a successful marriage if someone has one foot out the door, but that was my coping mechanism. "I don't think you care much about me, but it doesn't matter because I'm fine to leave and go find someone that does" was my attitude. 

Once we had our son, it's no shock that things didn't improve...they got worse. Suddenly I viewed the stakes as much higher; every negative interaction between me and Brian became additional proof that I needed to leave. 

Mentally, I was building an exit plan. Physically, Brian was not even there. In 2016, there was a month when I decided to record how often he was out past midnight. For the month I recorded, he was gone 24 evenings of the month. TWENTY FOUR! There were only 30 days in the month!!! He played pool in two leagues during the week, and then was out with friends most Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays. For those of you that are like me and don't play pool, just know that it usually goes until the bar closes at 2 AM. So basically five nights a week he was out having fun while I was at home with a newborn. 

In case it's not clear, this was a recipe for disaster. 

But thankfully - by a miracle of God no less - things began to turn around at the end of 2017. 

Here's what I attribute it to:

1.  I cried to my boss and he gave me advice.

This was the first and only time I ever shed tears in front of my boss. I was having a rough day and he asked me what was wrong. I shut his office door so I could tell him that there were some personal things in my life that were upsetting me, and I just broke down crying. I shared with him how my marriage was struggling, how I kept threatening divorce, and how I just didn't know what steps to take next. His response? "Stop throwing gas on the fire," he said. "If you want a divorce, get a divorce, although I don't recommend it." He was like a mentor to me and I knew he only wanted the best for me, so I trusted his advice. In that moment, I really decided I needed to move in a direction -- either out or in -- instead of trying to straddle the line.

2. I prayed.

The area of my life where I have pleaded with God the most is my marriage, which is impressive given I once spent 1,275 days desperately praying to have my second child. Basically, I spent about 4 years praying for God to save my marriage. God answered in so many small but significant ways. I continue to pray for my marriage today - the work never ends! During the hard years, I was also reading the entire Bible from beginning to end, which I think helped and leads me to #3....

3.  I made an active effort to change from being feelings-driven to obedience-driven.

By "obedience-driven," I mean that I decided to live my life in obedience to God and His biblical guidance, instead of being driven by my feelings. We live in a culture that says "your feelings are your truth," but I am here to tell you that it is absolutely not true. We should acknowledge our feelings, of course, but our feelings can ebb and flow. God's word is truth and it says He is for us and not against us. We can trust Him even when obedience doesn't feel good. 

God never promises happiness, but He does promise that if we obey, He will work all things together for our good. Being driven by your feelings can often lead to actual sin (sins that feel good in the moment). In some cases, like my feelings toward my marriage at that time, it might not necessarily lead to sin, but you will not reap God's best for your life. My circumstances involved no infidelity or physical abuse; I had no "biblical grounds" for divorce. It was simply a case of discontentment, even if those unhappy feelings were warranted. I realized that divorce was not going to be the answer for me once I committed to being obedient to God despite my feelings. 

I hope that sharing this gives someone out there a little bit of hope if their marriage is in a dark place. Things can turn around. I once heard that the majority of couples on the brink of divorce that choose to stay married actually report that they are in a "happy marriage" when surveyed five years later. I'm not sure if that's true, but it sounds plausible to me.

I'm grateful for the years that challenged me and ultimately grew my faith in God. 

Brian and I get to be witnesses at the marriage of two of our friends this weekend. To celebrate, I invited friends over for dinner and we'll be playing The Newlywed Game. I doubt Brian and I will win, but that's because I am married to someone that I've never quite figured out. He always keeps me guessing. :)

Happy Anniversary!