God, Please One More.
In a few months I will have been trying to have a second child for 4 years.
Cam was 4 years old when I removed my birth control (IUD) thinking that his brother or sister would be born nine months later. I remember thinking at the time that five years was going to be a large age gap between my two kids. Now, when I look back at pictures and videos of Cam in 2019, he looks so young and his voice is so baby-ish! My worry about the five year age gap seems unjustified in hindsight. Now, instead, I worry about the 8.5 year age gap, which could end up being a 9 year age gap, or 10, or 12, or maybe there will be no age gap at all.
I haven't written about or even spoken much about my infertility because I can't articulate the pain. It's been a roller coaster of grief, sadness, anger, bitterness, frustration, confusion, desperation, and hope. I don't want to complain because I'm fortunate enough to already have one perfect child. I keep silent because I know other people have much bigger problems in life than this. I don't talk about it because it's embarrassing.
My official medical diagnosis is "female infertility of uterine origin."
This was not supposed to be my story; this was never the cross I thought in a million years I'd have to bear. I've blamed God. I've blamed Brian. I've blamed my IUD. I've mostly blamed myself.
I know people are curious, so in case you're wondering, I've tried trying, not trying, vitamins, herbal teas, acupuncture, massages, fertility drugs, body temperature monitoring, dietary changes, ovulation kits, exercising, not exercising, and - to reiterate - several months of not trying (because I know you're thinking "just stop trying!").
Throughout all of this, I've most consistently tried prayer. Surely God hears me and can give me a miracle. I've been given so many miracles in my life, yet here I am begging "God, please, one more."
I'm not against fertility measures such as IVF, but I personally haven't felt at peace about taking those steps. I'm certainly not against adoption - very much for it actually - but that's also not a road we plan to walk down. (I do try to keep an open mind to all possibilities and hope that a baby will show up at my front door in a wicker basket. Crazier things have happened!).
At this point, I'm not sure how my infertility journey will end. I often see articles, blogs, and social media posts of people sharing about their infertility at the same time they are announcing their pregnancy. I get that. It would be much easier to talk about once I am on the other side of it. I want so badly to be on the other side of it.
Eventually, I'll get there, regardless of the outcome.
A very small part of me is grateful for this experience. If anything, I've been humbled. I'm not sure I could have been humbled in any other way. It's exposed the ugliest parts of myself and maybe exposed some of the best.
Perspective is everything. Time and chance happen to us all. The best laid plans of mice and men...