Saturday, August 27, 2011

Five Ways to Render Him Speechless


While I was reading a lousy magazine the other night, I came across an article about woo-ing your guy.  The article gave some pretty terrible ideas, which left me wondering “Who comes up with this stuff?!”

In typical arrogant fashion, I thought to myself “Kelly, you have perfected the art of leaving Brian speechless. Why are you not getting paid to give advice?”

I never was able to come up with an answer to that question. But I was able to come up with “5 Ways to Render Him Speechless,” which I will share with you now. Free of charge.

1. Talk  About Your Menstrual Cycle.
 The other day Brian asked me if I wanted to go to the gym with him. My response? A very annoyed “I’m on my period and I’m bleeding like a hemopheliac!”

He didn’t try to pester me or mock my lame excuse. He just left the house…speechless.

2. Talk About How You Want to Live Next Door to His Parents.
 I want to live in Annapolis, Maryland. Period.

Unfortunately, I don’t think Brian is too keen on the whole idea of us moving there. This conversation usually leaves him speechless. I have a hunch, however, that he would be pretty excited about the prospect of me moving there….just me…by myself….

3. Sing in the Morning.


I’m cheery in the mornings, much like a songbird. I can’t help it that I come up with some of my best rhymes pre-sunrise. I typically wake up in a good mood, so I try to share that joy with Brian first thing in the AM. The other morning, while he was still groggy, I came up with a catchy tune with original lyrics. Something like “Eggs and Bacon, I think Brian needs a wakin’” 

Anyway, the song left him speechless. And the bathroom door may or may not have been slammed in my face.


4. Go Over Everything You Ate in the Past 24 Hours. 
I like to tell Brian everything I eat during the day, not in a list per-say but more like a conversation. For instance, if I’m about to eat some pistachios, I may tell Brian that it’s okay I’m eating these pistachios before dinner because I’ve only have a granola bar, a slice of pizza, six crackers, and 2oz of cheese all day.

Whether it’s because he’s ignoring me or tuning me out I’m not sure, but it leaves my boyfriend speechless almost every time. 


5. Ask Him Your Middle Name.
Or your birthday. Or your clothing size. Or your favorite food. Or the anniversary of your first date. Why is it that girls can remember every insignificant detail and guys never know squat? I remember asking Brian if he knew my middle name two years soon after we started dating.
    He didn’t.
    He was speechless. Or maybe he just didn’t want to tell me…my middle name.

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