Thankful Thursday

I want to preface this post by saying that honesty is not always the best policy. But when it comes to blogging, I firmly believe that honesty is what makes for a great blog. Real, brutal, I-can't-believe-I'm-thinking-this-much-less-sharing-this honesty. And now that I have your attention....

Today, surprisingly, I am thankful for Facebook. 

I usually loathe Facebook and find it to be a complete waste of my time. When I waste time reading a friend's status or  end up spending half of an unproductive hour flipping through a stranger's photo album, I feel like...well...I don't know...like I've just spent half of an unproductive hour flipping through a stranger's photo album. 

But there are benefits of Facebook, too. Obviously there must be or it wouldn't be so darn popular. In another world way back when, if your best friend in 4th grade moved away to another state you would cry, mourn, and then life would move on. 

I found my 4th grade best friend on Facebook a few years ago and we've been "friends" ever since. 

Also, Facebook makes party planning a breeze. And birthday reminders are always a good thing. 

But Facebook brought me happiness today for other reasons. 

I will admit that I am a confident person. I use the word "admit" because confidence is not always a good thing. Sometimes it can be synonymous with arrogant--in my case at least. 

It wasn't until I was one year into my current relationship (Okay, my only relationship. Those nine weeks freshman year don't count.) that my confidence started waning and I started seriously battling insecurities. Some people might think that that is a warning sign--a flashing red light that screams "STOP," because aren't you supposed to feel better about yourself in a relationship?

Well, yes and no.

No, because there is such a thing as ex-girlfriends. And the whole "the past is the past" thing just doesn't cut it sometimes.

Thinking about my boyfriend's previous girlfriends makes me feel insecure. 

Ouch. 

That is embarrassing for me to even type. 

To even think about his ex-girlfriends makes me cringe. And I will admit there are times that I wonder if he is comparing me to them. I wonder what they look like, if they are better looking than me, if they have better bodies, a better income (ha!), a better you fill in the blank. I wonder if they are smart, funny, kind. I wonder why their relationship didn't work out. And I wonder if I will one day be just another girl from his past that his future girlfriend will be wondering about. 

Well today I decided to Facebook stalk a girl from his past (Remember the brutal honesty I mentioned earlier? Yeah. Not my proudest moment). Curiosity got the best of me. You see, this girl, this stranger, is the one that I wonder about the most. 

And in that moment, I was thankful for Facebook. And thankful for a lack of privacy settings on her profile. 

So there I was. Like an idiot. Perusing through her pictures. 

And these were the thoughts that were running through my head:

You are gorgeous....Do you always look so perfect?....finally a bad picture.....Why can't my boobs be that big?!....You have really pretty teeth...My mom would say your smile is "gummy"....My mom would have a field day with you actually...Cute outfit....In five years you'll be fat....

And then I came to it.

A picture of her and her current fling.

And I had to smile. Laugh, actually. Because he looked like a cross between Jack Black and Oliver Platt.

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In my moment of laughter, I realized how absolutely pathetic I was being, how dumb it was to even waste one minute of my life wondering about her life. I re-connected with that confident self that dwells inside of me (I may have also connected with that arrogant self, too). So I smiled, I laughed, and I confessed my pathetic Facebook-stalking moment to Brian, hoping that he would find humor in it too! 

Today I am thankful for Facebook simply for the realization that life is so amusing. In my pathetic, self-depreciating moment, I was able to realize how amazing my life is, how amazing I am, and how amazing she probably is too!

I personally don't doubt that Brian is a good judge of character. I mean, after all, he is dating me....

I once heard that if God made man in His image, then he must have a sense of humor. I thought about that today when I was looking through her pictures. Not only was I laughing at the guy she was dating, but I was laughing at myself for being so ridiculous. I decided right then and there that my jealousy is accomplishing nothing, my self-doubts are ludicrous, and my fears are often irrational.

If I were to update my Facebook status right now, I think it would read: Kelly Lawrence is blessed, because "blessed" is how I felt when I realized that I am about to get into my car, roll down the windows on this gorgeous Fall day, blast Miley Cyrus' "Party in the U.S.A", and go babysit for three of the most awesome kids in the world. 

And tonight I'm going to say "I love you" to my boyfriend....

who (according to some) is a cross between John Mayer and Shia LaBeof.